I Am My Own Worst Enemy
I don't have any enemies. Though from time to time I wonder if any one does, really. It seems to me like something which exists solely in fiction. It's too clean of an idea. Someone who opposes you completely, who tries to foil your plans at every turn. It depends on how strictly you define it I guess, but things don't tend to be so neat in actuality. Whether people like that exist or not it certainly feels like I have an enemy living in my head trying to sabotage my life. Honestly people are nice to me in real life for the most part. I haven't been bullied or put down by someone I actually know in a while. Probably because I don't get out much. But I feel like I've been bullied constantly for years because I have this awful voice in my head.
Nobody tells me to give up except myself. Nobody tells my I'm worthless except myself. Nobody calls me fat or ugly except myself. Nobody tells me I'm unlikable and a failure except myself. So why do I believe these things? I feel like it must be some kind of self-defense mechanism. Like if I can identify all of my flaws and the things I'm insecure about I can bully myself about them ahead of time so I'll be ready when it inevitably happens in real life. I just know somehow it's bound to happen. Then when it doesn't I'm just left with that feeling of being on edge waiting for someone to hurt me, then I just feel weak and scared and I start the cycle over. Over and over. I know what they say about anxiety, how if you're worried about a bad thing happening and you play it over and over in your mind you're making yourself experience it many times instead of just experiencing the bad thing once. Bad shit happens. Mostly it happens whether you're worried about it or not. I know that. I understand that. It doesn't help.
It's exhausting and it makes me want to give up sometimes. If I had an enemy I could ignore them, maybe I could reason with them, maybe I could recruit people against them or something, deal with them somehow. But what do you do when it's yourself? Therapy I guess. But I still have to live with myself. I still have to wake up and be myself. Even if I can accept myself and all of my flaws I still know the flaws are there. And if I have flaws I should try to fix them and if I can't fix them then... over and over. It's hard to accept I have flaws just like everyone else has flaws. I don't hold that against anyone else. I know no one is perfect. It's hard to be a perfectionist when you are inherently flawed, to let go of that desire. It's not reasonable to expect yourself to be perfect.